It's been awhile

 So my grandma passed away 9/2/2020. I remember that day and it was so painful . That day ,I threw a big pickle at my boyfriend because of a dare. In the middle of art class I started having this pain where it felt like When Clint died. I tried to shrug it off and focus on my project and faking my happiness. About 5-6 minutes before the bell rang for the next class , I was called to the counselor's office and I didn't know why. I went to the counselor's office and there was a call for me from my mom. She told me that grandma had passed away and that she was going to pick me up in an hour. I had no words , I knew she was gonna die soon but I didn't know how soon. I hang up the phone and I'm just trying to process what just happened. I tell the counselor what happened and say " I could probably go to class , but I might come back to the office if I can't handle it." As I walk into my last class, I just have this worried look on my face and I was on the verge of tears and one of my classmates asked if I was okay. I said "I'm fine". I wasn't fine , I just lost a huge part of my life and I don't know what to do. 

It may be easier to just see the following vlogs from my Youtube channel. 

MY VLOGS

I started a youtube channel after coming out as genderfluid, non binary and bisexual . It took me a lot longer to come out due to a feud/war I was having with someone I thought I hated but I've learned hate is too strong of a word and it's much easier to hate than it is to love and understand the people who you've hurt or have hurt you over the years. 

I also ended up in the hospital and spent some time in a mental hospital because I didn't want to live anymore. I took a break from posting because I needed to try and heal. But I self harmed a couple times. I really am trying to hang on despite all the shit that comes at me .

Poems I've written 

The Changes- Hayden Voss

They told me I was confused and it was just a phase.

I'm still the same but I changed looks while you yelled this is not the child I raised.

You threatened to disown me then I'll be an orphan. Because changing my body is a sin.

You thought changing my looks was just it.

I changed my name and you know you like can you admit.

You asked me if this is it or is there more

I cut my hair now I look like a baby like before.

You think the hard is adjusting but it hurts me.

Way more than it hurts you, doesn't matter if you hate it just let it be.

You said you'd love me and accept me no matter what.

Well now that promise is broken and I'm upset.

I moved out and I'm much happier than ever.

I Finally found a place I belong as well as a partner.

Life is going great but something is missing.

Although you disowned me or vice versa we never stopped calling.

Months and years have gone by and I keep developing.

I hope one day we set aside the differences.

Everyday is different and I'll never stop changing.

I will continue to be the person I want to be through all my senses.

Forevermore by Hayden Voss/HV

Written in memory of my grandma

Today is a day I'd never knew when it come

The day everyone feels broken and numb.

The memories we had forever be treasured

Although you are gone you'll always be remembered.

It's not often that we all come together

But because of you , were all here.

We've had ups and downs along the way

You're still there all day everyday.

As the years go by , the older we get

But in your eyes, I'm young like we first met.

You've lived a full life with little to no regrets

I'd live like that but I haven't started yet.

We'll always remember the stories you told

As we get stronger and grow old.

You were there during the best/worst moments

Your strength scared away the opponent.

I'll miss the hugs and kisses you gave

As we lay you to rest in a grave.

Surrounded by the ones who passed before

I'll miss you everyday forevermore.

(I read this poem out loud at my grandma's graveside service and everyone loved it , I was really scared to say anything but I'm glad I did because I knew I would've regretted it all.)

Holding On - Hayden Voss

Sometimes I wish I wasn't here

Although I like to be alone abandonment is a fear.

It's easier to fake a smile saying "I'm Fine"

I wish I was fine but I've been faking all this time.

I have many fears abandonment is one of them.

Another one is rejection but losing ones I love is worse.

I am often reassured that I matter but I'm a cavity ,unwanted and numb.

I lost many good people, I've seen many in a hearse .

If not a hearse then I feel their presence

I don't know if I'll go to hell or heaven.

Either way I'll end up there eventually.

At least I cut off toxicity out of my life fortunately.

Everyday those thoughts come at me like bullets.

Anxiety is the gun, depression is the shooter, PTSD and Thoughts are firing making me lose my mind.

I take meds with caution cause like my secrets I'm afraid I'll spill it.

I'm afraid of letting people in cause they'll take one look then be blind.

My life isn't too bad but I wish it wasn't full of pain.

They say therapy is comfy so is sitting in the rain.

Life is rough around the edges and bends.

Right now I know for sure this is not the end.

Drowning - Hayden Voss 

Written in memory of great uncle Bob Voss who lost his battle to depression on June 25th, 2020

I'm a few feet down with a decision 

Do I stay or do I go ?

Just as I start to fade I have a vision

I’ve been through so much that no one knows.

This wasn’t my intention and I didn’t jump

I just fell off the edge and on my head is a bump.

I looked at the water paralyzed in fear

I can’t swim and I feel death is near. 

As I struggle to stay alive , I see those who have passed

Telling me to stay strong and I’ll always be an outcast.

Ever since the day they left I’ve never been the same

As for the ones here they're still pushing around the blame.

I look around with all my might

Like I’m in a dark tunnel with no light.

I hear a faint yell and a large splash

I start to gain consciousness in a flash.

An anxiety attack begins with crying, shivering and shaking

It doesn’t feel like one though I feel a seizure and my head’s aching.

I feel a hug surrounding me and I open my eyes

Is this a dream or reality ? Either way I didn’t die and I’m Surprised.

After several minutes ,I start talking about how my life has gone downhill.

I feel as though I’ve ruined lives and I feel like such a pill.

Although I feel like life isn’t going to get better 

I keep facing everything and take a deep breath knowing I’m still here.

Trapped in a hole- Hayden Voss

Everyday the world is changing

Like the clothes in my closet I do rearranging.

I know that the world will never be the same

And I wonder who is to blame.

I sometimes feel like it's my fault

I feel unworthy, unloved, broken, trapped in a dark hole.

A hole I end up falling into with little hope of getting out

I try so hard to get out of the hole, it tires me out.

Every time I get out, I find myself back in

Like slipping on a banana peel and falling in a trash bin

I hate to say I'm used to feeling like garbage

but yet again , Alone with my thoughts hanging on the edge

They say you need to believe in yourself

That's not always good don't tell me it is like the pills on the shelf

They say it's just medicine only take it to get better

Take it all your problems may be gone but now there's more

You can't change the future nor the past

You gotta live in the present and hope you last

The feelings, The pain, and trauma will always be there

By talking about it, at least it won't be too much to bear.

Life is full of struggles and blessings alone

It's not supposed to be easy if it was there'd be no broken bones

Along the way you make friends and It's awesome

Because were like flowers we grow and blossom