The F word ..... FORGIVENESS!!!!! huh
2/9 -2/15
***It took 2 weeks to write this post because It's really hard to tell a traumatic memory. ***
This week was actually decent because it was a week full of love.
The next day , I come to school and it's valentines day . I bring smarties and reese's . The reese's are for my boyfriend and the smarties for my friends and teachers. At my school valentines day is considered FRIENDSHIP DAY because people get left out easily. I give my boyfriend his reeses and I received a heart box of chocolate as well as my favorite conversation hearts. I go to my classes but while walking to my second class , I spot someone I thought I hated handing taffy to my teacher and I handed her a smartie and tell her "Happy birthday" . We end up having a no work day in trans plan. Then the Office calls all SBO to the office to help with some boxes , so I bolt down to help.
When I was 11 years old , My older brother who was 14 and I have decided to name him Darren. DARREN stumbled on inappropriate on the internet , sexism crap and . He sexually assaulted and abused me. He did it on multiple occasions and at one point my parents found when installing the new WiFi and looked at search history on kids computer. During that time , I had a nightmare that my brother got into my room and was hurting me and I threw his body off my loft bed and after realizing what I did in my dream , I tried to cover the evidence so I tried to kill myself but failed (jumped off loft bed in guilt). I wake up with a bloody nose and a giant forehead and I hear my dad coming upstairs. So I quickly got back in bed and when he questioned me , I said "I dropped my pillow and went down to grab it but missed a step on the ladder so I fell but nothing serious. " When I woke up to get ready for school , I had a green forehead and cuts all over my face because my face hit the dresser and the door frame. It was December 2014 when this happened , my parents waited until after christmas to settle the issue. However, Darren continued to hurt me until my parents finally wanted to settle the issue. They talked to ray about the consequences if he continued to hurt me. After that talk , Darren wanted to apologize to me . He did and hugged me and I pretended to forgive him. 4 years later ... Darren turned 18 and he wanted to serve an LDS mission and we thought by August 2018 it would happen but Ray gave up. He worked for 6 months at Wendy's but he had a fire -quit situation. In May 2019 , Darren had planned to move out by the end of may to move in with his oldest sibling Blaire. As my parents said goodbye to ray , I pretended to be sad but in reality It was a big relief because I no longer had to lock my door at night. I took over Ray's room and turned it into my craft room . A month later... I woke up and my mom asked me about Darren's addiction and I said " Remember the day he moved out? I faked a frown when he got in the car and left ." I've had to lock my door at night for the 5 years . " Turns out that when Blaire had asked Darren if he was interested in spending the holidays with family Darren decided to come clean and admit hurt he caused . Blaire flipped and texted mom to ask me.
3 weeks later... I had a meeting with my bishop to get a patriarchal blessing and at the end I asked him about forgiveness and as he was talking I sobbed in the chair and my bishop looked at me confused . I told him " I'm sick of people assuming were this happy family , when in reality it's broken and I'm tired of people always asking me how my older siblings are doing". Over the course of 3 months I met with therapists and investigators about my trauma and abuse situation. In recent therapy appointments , My therapist will ask my mom and I " Do you wish you could have filed this when it originally happened now that your looking back at it all" . We reply yes . In one of my therapy appointments , I felt as if I woke up not feeling any emotion and when that happens I am desperate to look for a youtube that shows enough emotion knock some sense in . I found a clip from "The Good Doctor" where Dr . Shaun Murphy decides to forgive his abusive father on his deathbed moments before his father's passing. After shaun forgives his father, His father who appears high on drugs starts saying things to shaun about how everything is shaun's fault. Minutes later , Shaun's father is dead . Shaun is in his hotel room coping with the aftermath of his father's passing and the whole scene breaks your heart.
Good Doctor forgiveness pt 1
Good Doctor forgiveness pt 2
Good Doctor forgiveness pt 3
After watching those clips , I felt sadness and guilt. After telling my therapist about how I felt while watching the clips . I felt like in the future there will be a time where it's life and/or death situation where I forgive my abuser. She asked " How do you think you'd forgive your brother in a situation like that"? I don't remember what I said at moment but I do know that I was sobbing and shaking as if I was in a panic attack.
2/21/2020
Writing this post has been draining and I've waited a while to tell a big part of my history. Many people who were around during the difficult times in my life regret the inability to help me cope.
***It took 2 weeks to write this post because It's really hard to tell a traumatic memory. ***
This week was actually decent because it was a week full of love.
The next day , I come to school and it's valentines day . I bring smarties and reese's . The reese's are for my boyfriend and the smarties for my friends and teachers. At my school valentines day is considered FRIENDSHIP DAY because people get left out easily. I give my boyfriend his reeses and I received a heart box of chocolate as well as my favorite conversation hearts. I go to my classes but while walking to my second class , I spot someone I thought I hated handing taffy to my teacher and I handed her a smartie and tell her "Happy birthday" . We end up having a no work day in trans plan. Then the Office calls all SBO to the office to help with some boxes , so I bolt down to help.
" Why do people say forgiveness helps you because it doesn't. "
When I was 11 years old , My older brother who was 14 and I have decided to name him Darren. DARREN stumbled on inappropriate on the internet , sexism crap and . He sexually assaulted and abused me. He did it on multiple occasions and at one point my parents found when installing the new WiFi and looked at search history on kids computer. During that time , I had a nightmare that my brother got into my room and was hurting me and I threw his body off my loft bed and after realizing what I did in my dream , I tried to cover the evidence so I tried to kill myself but failed (jumped off loft bed in guilt). I wake up with a bloody nose and a giant forehead and I hear my dad coming upstairs. So I quickly got back in bed and when he questioned me , I said "I dropped my pillow and went down to grab it but missed a step on the ladder so I fell but nothing serious. " When I woke up to get ready for school , I had a green forehead and cuts all over my face because my face hit the dresser and the door frame. It was December 2014 when this happened , my parents waited until after christmas to settle the issue. However, Darren continued to hurt me until my parents finally wanted to settle the issue. They talked to ray about the consequences if he continued to hurt me. After that talk , Darren wanted to apologize to me . He did and hugged me and I pretended to forgive him. 4 years later ... Darren turned 18 and he wanted to serve an LDS mission and we thought by August 2018 it would happen but Ray gave up. He worked for 6 months at Wendy's but he had a fire -quit situation. In May 2019 , Darren had planned to move out by the end of may to move in with his oldest sibling Blaire. As my parents said goodbye to ray , I pretended to be sad but in reality It was a big relief because I no longer had to lock my door at night. I took over Ray's room and turned it into my craft room . A month later... I woke up and my mom asked me about Darren's addiction and I said " Remember the day he moved out? I faked a frown when he got in the car and left ." I've had to lock my door at night for the 5 years . " Turns out that when Blaire had asked Darren if he was interested in spending the holidays with family Darren decided to come clean and admit hurt he caused . Blaire flipped and texted mom to ask me.
3 weeks later... I had a meeting with my bishop to get a patriarchal blessing and at the end I asked him about forgiveness and as he was talking I sobbed in the chair and my bishop looked at me confused . I told him " I'm sick of people assuming were this happy family , when in reality it's broken and I'm tired of people always asking me how my older siblings are doing". Over the course of 3 months I met with therapists and investigators about my trauma and abuse situation. In recent therapy appointments , My therapist will ask my mom and I " Do you wish you could have filed this when it originally happened now that your looking back at it all" . We reply yes . In one of my therapy appointments , I felt as if I woke up not feeling any emotion and when that happens I am desperate to look for a youtube that shows enough emotion knock some sense in . I found a clip from "The Good Doctor" where Dr . Shaun Murphy decides to forgive his abusive father on his deathbed moments before his father's passing. After shaun forgives his father, His father who appears high on drugs starts saying things to shaun about how everything is shaun's fault. Minutes later , Shaun's father is dead . Shaun is in his hotel room coping with the aftermath of his father's passing and the whole scene breaks your heart.
Good Doctor forgiveness pt 1
Good Doctor forgiveness pt 2
Good Doctor forgiveness pt 3
After watching those clips , I felt sadness and guilt. After telling my therapist about how I felt while watching the clips . I felt like in the future there will be a time where it's life and/or death situation where I forgive my abuser. She asked " How do you think you'd forgive your brother in a situation like that"? I don't remember what I said at moment but I do know that I was sobbing and shaking as if I was in a panic attack.
2/21/2020
Writing this post has been draining and I've waited a while to tell a big part of my history. Many people who were around during the difficult times in my life regret the inability to help me cope.
3/13/2023
I forgave Darren before a funeral for an Auntie.
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