Panic , Social distancing and distance learning
The Coronavirus /COVID-19 outbreak has been labeled as a global crisis and Pandemic by our world leaders. It has gotten so bad that no one cares about the election and they care more about hoarding (paper products, diapers, cleaning supplies, medical supplies,etc). This is leaving many citizens stingy and miserable. This reminds me of the great depression that I was studying in history class. In late 1929 which was 90 years ago , the stock market crashed and we were in WWI .There was also a plague. Jump back to the present time , where I have a friend who thinks we won't survive Corona and thinks she's better off suicidal. I blocked that friend and Freaked out. She says she was kidding but I put on my "hulk /STFU " Hat. I put on the hat when people joke about serious things like :suicide, trauma, thoughts about suicide, etc. However , I have to accept the fact people joke about stuff like this because it's how they cope with life.
These last couple of weeks where I have been studying my butt off for end of term , I forgot meds a few times leaving me feeling suicidal . Also my therapist got schedules changed meaning I have to find a new therapist.I went to a youth activity which was the last youth activity for a while . The first 30 minutes I would check off ingredients as my partner put them in a bowl. We made cream puffs.It started getting loud and my partner started getting anxious so I stepped back and answered the door where another girl stood. I told her she was in my group and I basically took a break to put on my headphones and block everyone out. While waiting for an opportunity to help ,People started talking about life and gossip about high school and I felt left out . I saw the opportunity as some needed to smooth out their cream puffs so I help out. Then I washed a dirty pot. I was kinda an unnoticed slave who just wanted to feel included. I was basically ignored until it was time to go home and I got my share of the cream puffs. It was also my dad's birthday and I surprised him with a great gift.
I had a panic attack 6 hours before Friday the 13th. It got pretty bad that when I saw a knife I saw my evil brother watching me give up on life and about to hurt myself but I walked away and grabbed my phone trying to Use safe UT but it was updating so then I email my guidance counselor and try to reach out to my best friend but I got ignored . In my mind, I was in a dark room with very little light and it started fading away like a match . On the outside though, I was shaking and I had a hard time talking so I went to my room and grabbed my puzzle blanket and started squeezing tightly because it felt like I was hugging my old youth group. The next day , I felt less suicidal mainly because I got to see the counselor. Our math teacher had a dessert potluck before lunch to celebrate Pi day. I brought cookies and Someone brought cinnamon pizza from papa murphys. Not gonna lie but it was pretty good and I was a little jealous . For most of the day everyone was prepping for when the governor might announce school closures. We had to take our tests to make sure we were doing the correct curriculum for our grades. About 5 hours after being released from school , I got a notification stating that school would be closed for the next 2 weeks. I started crying because It meant I couldn't see my boyfriend for 2 weeks. My little brother comes up to me and just starts hugging me.
While dealing with accepting that I won't see my boyfriend or my friends , I was left home with my brother for more than 4 hours and I'm not supposed to be left alone with my brother for that long or else bad things happen. While taking my meds , my brother disappeared to the basement where he was giving himself swirlies in the toilet and that meant I had to shower him off for the third time and at that point I snapped. I put my brother in the shower however I forgot to adjust the temp 5 minutes later I check on my brother who is crying and red and I touch his shoulder and It's hot. It slipped my mind that I forgot to check the temp . After adjusting and rinsing him off , He comes out the shower and slips and falls on his butt.
I go to bed and try my best to try to accept things and I wake up feeling happy. I spend most of the day on my computer. My parents work on the shelving for the basement. My dad comes up to me with my bungee chair and says "FIND A PLACE TO PUT THIS CHAIR , THAT IS OUT OF MY WAY OR I'M THROWING IT OUT" !!!!!!!!!!!!! At that moment I take my chair and hide it in my brother's room and I go back to my recliner and hide under a blanket and start crying . I know it sounds dumb to cry over being told what to do but his tone of voice scared me and I felt threatened. Just as the suicidal thoughts were fading they came back and I felt hopeless. My mom tried to explain why dad acted out , turns out my Grandpa might have Parkinson's disease. I'm scared but at the same time I know everything will be okay.
3/21/20
I decided to make blog posts every 2 weeks . I wrote another poem and survived the first week of distance learning. Not a lot happened this week .
Reach Out By Hayden Voss
Hello? Please tell me that you are there
We need to talk and I have time to spare.
Look it doesn't have to be like this
It's not too late , you don't want to be missed.
Our lives went in different directions
Every call we made ended with a lost connection.
I wanna make amends before ending up in strife
I can't lose another light in my life.
I know this world can be cruel
But It'll be much worse if you're not here.
The fact your deciding just turns you into a fool
The fact that you're not here is my fear.
I've met some people who have attempted
They don't want to die, They want the pain to end.
Even I have tried to let go of the rope
But I'm still here because I have hope.
Hello? Are you still there?
I promise we'll get through this together.
Like we did when we were younger
It's okay to ask and start over.
These last couple of weeks where I have been studying my butt off for end of term , I forgot meds a few times leaving me feeling suicidal . Also my therapist got schedules changed meaning I have to find a new therapist.I went to a youth activity which was the last youth activity for a while . The first 30 minutes I would check off ingredients as my partner put them in a bowl. We made cream puffs.It started getting loud and my partner started getting anxious so I stepped back and answered the door where another girl stood. I told her she was in my group and I basically took a break to put on my headphones and block everyone out. While waiting for an opportunity to help ,People started talking about life and gossip about high school and I felt left out . I saw the opportunity as some needed to smooth out their cream puffs so I help out. Then I washed a dirty pot. I was kinda an unnoticed slave who just wanted to feel included. I was basically ignored until it was time to go home and I got my share of the cream puffs. It was also my dad's birthday and I surprised him with a great gift.
I had a panic attack 6 hours before Friday the 13th. It got pretty bad that when I saw a knife I saw my evil brother watching me give up on life and about to hurt myself but I walked away and grabbed my phone trying to Use safe UT but it was updating so then I email my guidance counselor and try to reach out to my best friend but I got ignored . In my mind, I was in a dark room with very little light and it started fading away like a match . On the outside though, I was shaking and I had a hard time talking so I went to my room and grabbed my puzzle blanket and started squeezing tightly because it felt like I was hugging my old youth group. The next day , I felt less suicidal mainly because I got to see the counselor. Our math teacher had a dessert potluck before lunch to celebrate Pi day. I brought cookies and Someone brought cinnamon pizza from papa murphys. Not gonna lie but it was pretty good and I was a little jealous . For most of the day everyone was prepping for when the governor might announce school closures. We had to take our tests to make sure we were doing the correct curriculum for our grades. About 5 hours after being released from school , I got a notification stating that school would be closed for the next 2 weeks. I started crying because It meant I couldn't see my boyfriend for 2 weeks. My little brother comes up to me and just starts hugging me.
While dealing with accepting that I won't see my boyfriend or my friends , I was left home with my brother for more than 4 hours and I'm not supposed to be left alone with my brother for that long or else bad things happen. While taking my meds , my brother disappeared to the basement where he was giving himself swirlies in the toilet and that meant I had to shower him off for the third time and at that point I snapped. I put my brother in the shower however I forgot to adjust the temp 5 minutes later I check on my brother who is crying and red and I touch his shoulder and It's hot. It slipped my mind that I forgot to check the temp . After adjusting and rinsing him off , He comes out the shower and slips and falls on his butt.
I go to bed and try my best to try to accept things and I wake up feeling happy. I spend most of the day on my computer. My parents work on the shelving for the basement. My dad comes up to me with my bungee chair and says "FIND A PLACE TO PUT THIS CHAIR , THAT IS OUT OF MY WAY OR I'M THROWING IT OUT" !!!!!!!!!!!!! At that moment I take my chair and hide it in my brother's room and I go back to my recliner and hide under a blanket and start crying . I know it sounds dumb to cry over being told what to do but his tone of voice scared me and I felt threatened. Just as the suicidal thoughts were fading they came back and I felt hopeless. My mom tried to explain why dad acted out , turns out my Grandpa might have Parkinson's disease. I'm scared but at the same time I know everything will be okay.
3/21/20
I decided to make blog posts every 2 weeks . I wrote another poem and survived the first week of distance learning. Not a lot happened this week .
Reach Out By Hayden Voss
Hello? Please tell me that you are there
We need to talk and I have time to spare.
Look it doesn't have to be like this
It's not too late , you don't want to be missed.
Our lives went in different directions
Every call we made ended with a lost connection.
I wanna make amends before ending up in strife
I can't lose another light in my life.
I know this world can be cruel
But It'll be much worse if you're not here.
The fact your deciding just turns you into a fool
The fact that you're not here is my fear.
I've met some people who have attempted
They don't want to die, They want the pain to end.
Even I have tried to let go of the rope
But I'm still here because I have hope.
Hello? Are you still there?
I promise we'll get through this together.
Like we did when we were younger
It's okay to ask and start over.
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