My Birthday , Gratitude, catching up on life

I recently turned 17 and before I turned 17 , I wrote my yearly testimony of trials. Before I get to my testimony/epiphany, I have some things to say. For my birthday, my Grandma took me to a wendy's drive thru and then gave me 20 bucks to go into a walmart and pick out some stuff for my hair and items I needed. I got a skincare bag from a friend and her mom. I've known this friend and her parents since I was 6 years old. I visited my hometown and paid a visit to friends I didn't say goodbye to. I had to maintain social distancing . I visited my old bishop and it took me 3+ hours to get back to where I started. For dinner we had chinese food then did presents. The coolest gift I got was a digital camera that my dad got me.

 The camera my dad got me.

 I got a little sweaty and sunburnt while visiting friends but it was worth it.

 One of my leaders took a distance selfie during my visit. I'm in the plaid shirt if you can't tell.

I also got frog prince headphones and a 4 colored pen. I played a game of scrabble with my mom and dad. Just a few weeks before turning 17 , I started to reconnect with people I haven't seen in years. These people I reconnected with are the ones I'll always remember because they or their parents changed me for the better. They accepted me and treated me nicely. The fact they remember me makes me feel grateful I didn't kill myself. I've struggled my whole life with anxiety. I was teased and bullied and treated as if I wasn't supposed to exist. I felt like a black sheep at school, home, church, and pretty much everywhere I went. My dad was embarrassed to be seen in public with me and my little brother. Being the black sheep made it hard for me to make friends and feel safe. I had certain places that I felt safe at or in. My bedroom was the first place I felt safe. The special education classrooms were 2nd and 3rd. Choir was one of my safe places. My mom or someone I felt close with was my safe place. I was born to stand out and I tried to be like everyone else. I pretended to be someone I wasn't and it slowly killed me. In 4th grade, I wanted to kill myself because I felt like life was never going to get better and I was always going to be a black sheep. I was made fun of in class on a daily basis and no one thought much of it they just thought it was funny but they didn't notice that my eyes were looking deader by the day. The 2 teachers I had didn't think much of it either. There were about 12 days where I had hope that things would change or felt happy and felt I could live my life. I felt like no one was going to come to my rescue and the world wouldn't notice if I disappeared. There were a few things holding me back from making a huge mistake. I had a few friends who didn't laugh at me when I messed up and I felt they would remember me in the future. My little brother, How is he going to grow up without me? I found out later in life I was the only person who could communicate with him. I wished for a younger sibling for 3 years and a few months after my 7th birthday my mom was pregnant with my brother. I got my wish. My first reason before my brother and the people who were nice is my dad. Before I was born , My parents first-born died after 5 days . He had a few heart defects. I couldn't let my dad lose another child. I kept fighting and one day I snapped and tackled to bully who constantly put me down and during the fight her ankle moved the wrong way. Ever since that day, I regained strength that I had lost from the suicidal thoughts and constant put downs. Every couple of years I go through a similar thing. However looking back at my past knowing it doesn't define me . Younger version of me is definitely proud of me and what I've become and is grateful that I haven't given up on life. The picture below is something I found while scrolling through facebook. I feel like "Finding OK in Broken" is a lifetime goal of mine. I'll admit that I'm broken but I'll never stop fixing myself.

An epiphany/testimony 
Every year since I was 12 I've written a testimony of trials and reward that would relate to the trials Joseph Smith faced when bringing the LDS church back. I bore these on the first Sunday in may but due to a pandemic I can't do that unless I type it. I wrote these testimonies a few days before or on my birthday. When I was younger like 8 or 9 years old , I was diagnosed with asperger's syndrome and ADHD. I sometimes considered it a trial but other times I say it's who I am and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I used to hide my autism from people but when I turned 12 I decided I wasn't going hide who I was. It took some time to finally shed the skin of being like everyone else.  It wasn't until middle of 7th grade that I started to be myself. For a while , I was worried society would never accept me for me but look at Joseph Smith and many others. They stood up for what they believed and I always tried. I'm not so worried about being accepted because I'm accepted and cared for by others. A few friends of mine have told me the best quality or trait I have is that I try to see the good in everyone including those who feel as if they don't deserve it.  They don't believe in my religion but whether they believe or not they are still some of the funniest and best people I've ever met.  I've struggled with mental illness my whole life and I've had suicidal thoughts since my diagnosis. They said things will get better. People said that to someone I didn't know that well. May clint rest in PEACE.  We would expect that it would get better now. It takes time for things to get better, things might get better in a week, year, or 10 years but we don't know. Unless we grow not just physically but emotionally and spiritually and things eventually do get better. I just turned 17 and I've noticed over the last 10 years I've wanted to be someone who could save a life or change people.  I've noticed that I've gotten taller and I can't sit in the back of a minivan anymore. I've noticed how fast time passes. It seems like yesterday was my last day of elementary school and I said goodbye to my teachers that helped me along the way. I didn't know the next time I'd see my classmates that helped me. Now a lot of the friends I've known these last 2 or 3 years are graduating. I wish I could've held on to them more because I don't know when I'll see them again. In a year it'll be my turn to graduate and become an adult. When I struggled when I was younger, I never thought I'd make it to or past elementary school graduation. Now I'm 17 and I'll probably make this speech again in a year. I've also reconnected with people I haven't seen since 4th, 5th, or 6th grade and just knowing and hearing from them is another reason why I'm still here. I'm in a decent position in my life where I feel like I can be happy at least 2 or 3 times a week. I've got quality friends and family that appreciate my presence. "No matter how many reasons there might be why, there are always more why not." 13 Reasons Why 

 A photo of my biggest supporter and mom for mothers day.