gbhjuxhbnjvcifdjnefjiuenwjkfliouwjh TRAINWRECK
I had 8 days of happiness where I didn't feel like the world was ending. I nailed my job application and interview. Life was being good . I knew it wasn't going to last though. I filled out paperwork for my job and recieved my company hat. I need a couple more things though. Like nonslip shoes ,suspenders, black pants, . After paper work I went to smiths and got a better deal for otter pops . I use otter pops as a way to distract myself from falling into a dark hole. Then I went to mcdonalds and spent the last of my $20 which was 7.50 and got the meal I always got with grandma.
As I'm sitting in the shade , I remember a time grandma asked me to put away a shopping cart because her back was hurting I thought It was joint pain or using back too much. Then on christmas when she bought almost no duplicate gifts , I knew something was up with grandma. It wasn't until the start of COVID that I put all the pieces together. I knew she relapsed but I couldn't prove it without any proof so I kept this secret to myself like it was a 5 year secret. Then when I found out I was right and she relapsed I wasn't surprised and I just cried myself to sleep for 3 weeks because I felt so guilty for not telling anyone.
Then a mosquito bit a chaffed part of my thigh and I forgot about it. Then I checked in with parents. Dad picked me up and I ask how the day is going so far and he makes it seem like it's my fault. Then brings up Drivers ed and the fact I didn't care enough to finish it and guilt trips me for not commiting to drivers ed. No one knows this but I got the job not just to jumpstart my career as a photographer but I was willing to use my first couple paychecks to pay for drivers ed because I don't want mom and dad to pay another 300 dollars.
I stuck with drivers ed the first month I had it but then I forgot about it during my parernts separation and they also forgot. When I tried logging in I realized I didn't know the password. Then I tried resetting it a few times but failed then as COVID started and I put pieces together I remembered the password but I was afraid to login because there was no way I was going to make up what was supposed to be 9 months of work in 3 months. I only made 1/10 of a dent.
So I get shamed for not committing to Drivers ed . I got shamed for giving up the last month of school. All the sudden it's elementary school all over again. But how much more before I end up never leaving my room, starving myself and basically redoing my attempt from 6th grade. I applied and got a job because I knew anywhere but home I was going to be appreciated and taken seriously . I also just wanted a break from all the drama and I wanted to be seen as someone other than a maid who is broken on the inside. What about all the other things I'm committed to ? Like telling all my friends who struggle that everything will be okay while I'm slowly detiorating leaving me sleepless most nights. Or Taking care of my brother while my mom naps and sometimes buying him a treat or taking him to the park. Or Making sure I take my meds that help. Or making people happy so I can feel important. It's like the only things that matter to adults is Academics and money. It's like many don't care about if their child feels alone or feels like the world is ending. They blame everything on the kid like how frustrating their days are, or divorces and days off.
And why does it seem like everytime I write something like this it sounds like a suicide note when in reality I haven't written on my blog as much as I did months ago. Maybe it's because these past couple weeks have been really hard on a friend from my childhood whose best friend killed themself . I lost clint , I almost lost zach and I've nearly lost myself many times. The sad thing about the person who killed himself is that he killed himself a year after his grandpa dies and 3 days after losing his brother in a car accident. It was all too much. Now my friend(Beyonca) blames herself for not being there as much for her friend . The day she found out about her friend she texted me and said "I'm in crisis , my best friend killed himself " . I probably talked to her for a couple hours and I recommended safeut.
So yeah A lot has happened . I'm doing better on sleep and haven't needed to take a nap in 2 days.
I wrote a poem for my dying grandma
As I'm sitting in the shade , I remember a time grandma asked me to put away a shopping cart because her back was hurting I thought It was joint pain or using back too much. Then on christmas when she bought almost no duplicate gifts , I knew something was up with grandma. It wasn't until the start of COVID that I put all the pieces together. I knew she relapsed but I couldn't prove it without any proof so I kept this secret to myself like it was a 5 year secret. Then when I found out I was right and she relapsed I wasn't surprised and I just cried myself to sleep for 3 weeks because I felt so guilty for not telling anyone.
Then a mosquito bit a chaffed part of my thigh and I forgot about it. Then I checked in with parents. Dad picked me up and I ask how the day is going so far and he makes it seem like it's my fault. Then brings up Drivers ed and the fact I didn't care enough to finish it and guilt trips me for not commiting to drivers ed. No one knows this but I got the job not just to jumpstart my career as a photographer but I was willing to use my first couple paychecks to pay for drivers ed because I don't want mom and dad to pay another 300 dollars.
I stuck with drivers ed the first month I had it but then I forgot about it during my parernts separation and they also forgot. When I tried logging in I realized I didn't know the password. Then I tried resetting it a few times but failed then as COVID started and I put pieces together I remembered the password but I was afraid to login because there was no way I was going to make up what was supposed to be 9 months of work in 3 months. I only made 1/10 of a dent.
So I get shamed for not committing to Drivers ed . I got shamed for giving up the last month of school. All the sudden it's elementary school all over again. But how much more before I end up never leaving my room, starving myself and basically redoing my attempt from 6th grade. I applied and got a job because I knew anywhere but home I was going to be appreciated and taken seriously . I also just wanted a break from all the drama and I wanted to be seen as someone other than a maid who is broken on the inside. What about all the other things I'm committed to ? Like telling all my friends who struggle that everything will be okay while I'm slowly detiorating leaving me sleepless most nights. Or Taking care of my brother while my mom naps and sometimes buying him a treat or taking him to the park. Or Making sure I take my meds that help. Or making people happy so I can feel important. It's like the only things that matter to adults is Academics and money. It's like many don't care about if their child feels alone or feels like the world is ending. They blame everything on the kid like how frustrating their days are, or divorces and days off.
And why does it seem like everytime I write something like this it sounds like a suicide note when in reality I haven't written on my blog as much as I did months ago. Maybe it's because these past couple weeks have been really hard on a friend from my childhood whose best friend killed themself . I lost clint , I almost lost zach and I've nearly lost myself many times. The sad thing about the person who killed himself is that he killed himself a year after his grandpa dies and 3 days after losing his brother in a car accident. It was all too much. Now my friend(Beyonca) blames herself for not being there as much for her friend . The day she found out about her friend she texted me and said "I'm in crisis , my best friend killed himself " . I probably talked to her for a couple hours and I recommended safeut.
So yeah A lot has happened . I'm doing better on sleep and haven't needed to take a nap in 2 days.
I wrote a poem for my dying grandma
Forevermore by HV
Written in honor of my dying grandma
Today is a day I'd never knew when it come
The day everyone feels broken and numb.
The memories we had forever be treasured
Although you are gone you'll always be remembered.
It's not often that we all come together
But because of you , were all here.
We've had ups and downs along the way
You're still there all day everyday.
As the years go by , the older we get
But in your eyes, I'm young like we first met.
You've lived a full life with little to no regrets
I'd live like that but I haven't started yet.
We'll always remember the stories you told
As we get stronger and grow old.
You were there during the best/worst moments
Your strength scared away the opponent.
I'll miss the hugs and kisses you gave
As we lay you to rest in a grave.
Surrounded by the ones who passed before
I'll miss you everyday forevermore.
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