Check in 2 years later... TW/CW: Swearing, Faith Crisis, Mental illness,

December 29th, 2022

I didn't think I'd be here again after 2020. Last time, I was on here I felt defeated, embarrassed, and miserable. I stopped writing on here after some unexpected run ins with the past. I was in my senior year of high school (17). Now, I'm entering 2023 and I'm gonna be 20 in 4-5 months. I'm TERRIFIED and I feel like a failure sometimes. Coming back here on this once safe space is many words that are hard to describe. I feel like I just served an LDS mission except in isolation specifically from this blog. I don't really know what I'm doing but I managed to keep a job even though it was seasonal for a year as well as graduate high school back in 2021. I feel the need to write this in an essay platform because why not.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

I feel like I'm constantly messing up though and I don't mean to. I tend to overshare and trust WAY too easily. I feel like my mind is constantly flooding with thoughts that want to escape. At least twice a week, I feel like screaming " WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!" However, I'm afraid of who or what may hear and how they'll react. I feel PARANOID 24/7 and I really wish I wasn't. I guess that's what happens when you go through many situations that leave you traumatized or wishing you were dead or something else like numb, lifeless, speechless, and mute. I feel I've been self diagnosing myself since I was 15. I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism/ Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)/ Asperger's Syndrome and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) when I was 8. I know this past sentence was a load of word vomit but that is honestly my brain or when someone tells me I need to slow down because they can't understand what I'm saying. When I was 15, I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression. When I was 16 or 17, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It might've been earlier that I was diagnosed with it but around that time, My past trauma came to light and it hit me HARD. When I was 17, The Covid-19 Global Pandemic hit and I wasn't ready for the impact it was going to have on me. A few weeks after my 17th birthday, I found out My grandma on my mom's side had terminal cancer. To distract myself from the reality that I was losing a role model, I got a job at Arctic Circle and I came out as a member of the LGBTQ+ Community. When my grandma passed, I found myself spiraling to a point where I admitted that I needed professional help and THAT WAS NOT EASY. I could go into depth of how much help I needed or spiraled but I fear people will tell me that I'm overreacting or being dramatic. At some point during the recovery process, My mom mentioned she had a Bipolar Diagnosis in her 20's and that's when some of what I was going through started to make sense. However, it took roughly 18 months for that diagnosis to be official. Roughly 2 months after my 19th birthday, I got a Bipolar Diagnosis which to me felt like a "HALLELUJAH!!!!!" moment. I can't tell you how many different medications I had to try or how many impulsive episodes I've had in order to be taken seriously. It was Hell every doctor's appointment being told that I needed to be consistent with my meds or that I just needed to relax. I feel I need to yell this out loud " I'LL RELAX WHEN I FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME AS WELL UNDERSTAND IT ALL"!!!!!

 COMING OUT LED TO A FAITH CRISIS 2020

 I was never taught boundaries growing up and it affected me. I still can't believe I was taught in high school about boundaries. I should've learned this sooner but no. I felt triggered sometimes when I was trying to learn in church or seminary. I felt brainwashed in some way. I felt like an outcast for a big portion of my life and whenever I tried to figure it out, I was back in church every week pretending everything was fine. The pandemic changed a lot in my life. I started to figure out what mattered the most to me and decided to withdraw from the church as an experiment. For the first time in a while, I felt free but I knew this feeling wasn't going to last. When I came out as originally Bi and Genderfluid/Non Binary, I knew I'd become more of an outcast but I felt I had nothing else to lose and I had a lot to say to my grandma before she died. I was isolated but I still wanted to live my life but I didn't know what I was doing. I told my mom a week or so after my 17th birthday I needed a haircut but it didn't feel safe to go out especially during a pandemic. I have naturally thick hair and it can be hard to manage so I kept it at neck level or shoulder level. Everyone has a breaking point and at some point, I located the haircut gear my parents use to cut my severely autistic little brother. I pulled my mom aside before her mid day nap and asked her to cut my hair. Almost a week after that haircut, I came out to everyone using a Youtube video. After submitting a job application, I had gained a bunch of confidence and I couldn't tell if it was because I came out or if it was because I just applied for my first real job. About 2 weeks after starting my job at arctic circle, I found a gender neutral name that felt safer than my birthname and asked people to call me Hayden. My dad wasn't a fan of this let alone the thought of raising yet another "queer child". I wasn't afraid to correct people for messing up but it hurt every time someone talked back to me negatively. I guess coming out during a pandemic was easier than coming out to the 2 wards that I attend occasionally. I knew eventually I had to tell both bishops as well as everyone at church. My mom was near as I faced coming out and reintroducing myself. She was my biggest support and still is when I felt alone. But back to what led to sudden leave from the LDS church. I contemplated leaving the LDS church knowing I'd be a lot happier if I left and started living my life. In December 2020, I started to look back at the last year and tried not to think too hard about it but life decided it was time to make amends with someone I had a hard time getting along with in high school. I confronted it in the worst way and although amends were made it definitely left a few mental scars. I thought the drama was over. One of my "friends" heard about the confrontation I had and proceeded to harass my former bully after resolving a situation where I reached out to said bully to apologize and tell them I forgive them and leave things in the past. I got a few missed calls from a number I didn't recognize only to find it was the person I just made amends with. I got off work and called back the number and I was FUMING and realized I needed to rethink my friend circle. I told them I would handle it as soon as I could. I brutally confronted that friend and said " WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? I JUST RESOLVED AND MADE AMENDS WITH THIS PERSON." This "friend" at the time was a service missionary for the LDS Church. I said a lot of other things and said they needed to apologize or I was going to end the friendship. They chose to block me saying " I think we need to take a break because you hurt my feelings". I called back the person that was harassed and said " I need to rethink my friend circle and I just ended a friendship because this person didn't want to apologize for being an asshole." I apologized and said I wanted to move on with my life but I'm having a difficult time doing that. I guess trust was misplaced and caused me to suddenly leave a place I called home on multiple occasions. I stopped believing in god after losing my grandma and I was wondering where god was while I was struggling. I found it easier to occasionally visit both my current and old wards. 

AM I AN ASSHOLE OR AM I GOING CRAZY?????

My reaction to things is not pretty in the slightest. I'm socially unaware and it sucks. I've been trying to fix it but how do I do that. I don't know. I feel my list of flaws is never ending and constantly repeating terms given all of the times I've messed up. I actually started writing a poem/song to help me understand that it's not entirely my fault as well as give others an insight to my struggles. I feel it is easier to torture myself than face my struggles. It's becoming clear how much I lack self love and it's not easy to accept it. I feel I cause so much damage socially so I try to be mute. When I hear something that I have researched at some point, I can't help but add on to the conversation even though it doesn't include me. This actually caused a former coworker to yell at me because my mind was curious while on the job. The former coworker didn't even bother to realize who else might've listened. The manager found me hiding and restocking my station and asked me what happened. I tried to play it off like it was nothing but I didn't want to seem isolated so I told the manager. It's not often that people stand up for me. I appreciate it when it happens but I wish I was brave enough to stand up for myself when shit like this happens. I'm afraid I'll get hurt just for being the person I'm trying to be. I find every year I'm getting older, I'm trying to modify and evolve. Every 7 years, You get new cells but sometimes I think I won't make it to 21. I spent a lot of my life getting insulted frequently to a point that I can't accept compliments and I don't like it when people are cheering. My boss would compliment me but I would have a hard time accepting it because I can't tell if they mean it or if it's sarcasm. I guess my own confusion has a role in how I talk/communicate. I struggle with communication sometimes if not all the time. I find myself often getting too comfy with someone I just met and I don't realize it immediately. I do a lot of things without realizing if it impacts those in my surroundings. 

1/27/2023 - NEW YEARS 2023 !!! WHAT HAPPENED??

I had this plan on new years to yell outside my front door "I'M TRANSGENDER AND QUEER HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!" However that didn't happen but my medications flipped me off and for a week, I didn't know who I was and questioned both gender and identity. I said I died from an accidental drug overdose for about 3 days. That wasn't true or what even is true. I basically had to grow up within a week long episode where I was hours ahead of everyone. I gave up my phone just to gain a sense of what happened to me. I was able to talk to spirits and my dead grandmother who is an angel/ghost. I didn't feel like eating most days and would eat only graham crackers and oranges. I even posted at some point "I passed away at 19, I have the brain of a 12 year old as I used to be a 12 year old girl." If you think your medications won't ever change look at this paragraph and understand the hurt I went through for a few weeks trying to balance out my medications as a young adult. My parents fed into my soda addiction by leaving soda bottles around like it was nothing. I was mute 2 or 3 times a week for 2 weeks because I didn't want any more trouble starting up. I've cried in the doctor's office 2 times. Most days, I didn't want to be social but had to. I ended up posting on my Instagram what was happening - Dear Instagram/social media LIFE UPDATE . My medications betrayed me or I've had 2 concussions in the past year is what I tell strangers. People who only have to endure medication changes once are both lucky and unlucky.

 So far this is what has happened and I will continue to post here once every couple of months as I continue to understand my conditions. I do ask that you be patient not just with me but everyone else around you for you don't know what everyone else is going through. Most Importantly be PATIENT to YOURSELF!!!!!