GENERAL WARNING: might piss you off. Out of faith crisis vent also mentions of SA

(The people mentioned are only mentioned with letter's because in previous blog history, my former bully found my vent blog and thought anytime I mentioned my second older brother thought I was mentioning them which I found stupid because NONE of this was about them. I was just trying to heal from my past. sigh facepalm) Also for some weird reason it highlights the remaining text and I can't do anything about it, so I apologize for the inconvenience. 

 A funny quote that my girlfriend of 1 year said was " If God really exists then WHERE THE FUCK HAS HE BEEN THIS YEAR OF ABSOLUTE SHIT". As someone who had a faith crisis that lasted 4 years, I laughed a little and said "Imagine the number of people you would piss off if you said that in a church specifically the LDS ones." A couple months later, I finally chopped 6 inches off my head and went for a pixie cut. I was having a massive boost of Euphoria and then someone (L) ruined it. I get that this person was trying to compliment me but I still felt like shit because of the word "Beautiful" being used. I get that men can feel beautiful too but I didn't I felt HANDSOME and MASCULINE. This person really thought she was complimenting me. I was lucky to have had an army of Allies behind me to demolish her in the comments of a profile picture. I know it was too far to do that but I had tried to be this nice person to everyone after I came out and I had been dealing with misgendering for the last 7 years (Note: 3 of those years I was witnessing my eldest brother getting misgendered. ) I have most of the misgendering from my dad. I don't regret demolishing this former teacher because if she was really one of god's disciples she would love everyone no matter what. 

Here is what (L) said before Blocking Me

" I am blocking you just like I did your horrible friend (KA). Heaven forbid somebody tell you you’re special and beautiful just the way you are. Do you know how many people regret transitioning?? do you know it usually makes people’s depression, anxiety, and suicidal tenancy higher??I’m doubting you did any of that research. Good luck to you. Keep your friends away from me. "

I don't regret trying to transition. I do regret keeping her on my friends list for as long as I did. I don't like losing people but if they are self-righteous fucks who think they have a clue with how HRT or Transitioning works or are RACIST but don't own up for their actions then they can go fuck themselves like the person who SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME THIS YEAR or like the virgins they are REPENT Because they just enjoyed public masturbation/ Cyber bullying for the first time. Okay I might've gone too far with writing this but you get the point.

I honestly find that "Every 7-10 years your body restarts and regenerates new cells." statement a false hope because sure my body felt new for a week but then I got SA-ed with a new body that doesn't feel new. This song "7 Years- SkyDxddy" very much describes how I feel about the statement. 7 years- SkyDxddy Spotify link . SkyDxddy has released other songs that are similar and are described as "TRAUMACORE" and I relate to them.

5/13/2024

Sadly I was Sexually Assaulted 8 days after I turned 21. This person (S) was dating one of my friends and was teaching me some BDSM and I found out I didn't like it. I tried to scream but I couldn't speak. My girlfriend was in the bathroom when it started. I was being restrained with 2 of my belts that (S) found in my dresser. When the person's back was turned , I freed my hands and wasn't able to free my legs. I felt like I was drowning because I couldn't speak and I was pretending to be fine with it because I just wanted the person to like me. I then started getting PTSD and well just wanted the pain and misery to end so I took the belt and placed it around my neck but I didn't tighten it. My girlfriend walks in and sees me and says "Hayden Stop". The person proceeded to find a pressure point on my ankle and said "I'll let go of you if you let go of the belt." I let go and then just started crying and had a panic attack. At some point during the panic attack I grabbed a push pin, I wasn't going to do anything with it, I was just to readjust something on the wall but the person blew everything out of proportion. Then (S) proceeded to take my keys and Yell "YOU'RE FUCKING SICK HAYDEN, I'm TAKING YOU TO THE FUNNY FARM (psych ward)". I was driven and dragged to Lakeview hospital against my will. I didn't want to die, I just wanted my girlfriend to cuddle me and I wanted to kick the person out. I spent a few days in the psych ward and fearing for my life if I told the truth. I was quite relieved to find my friend had dumped (S) because I never wanted to see or hear from that person ever again. (S) went back to their home state and I got out of the psych ward with well a dumb safety plan that isn't of much use to me. It's not as accurate as the one I made on 3/21/24 when I was in the psych ward for the first time this year. It wasn't until October, I called my long distance friend from high school and told her about the trauma. I kept saying it was just trauma but somewhere in the head space was 11 year old me telling me, "It's more than just trauma , IT'S ABUSE whether you like it or not and the sooner you process it, the sooner you figure out how to heal."

November 24th 9:30 pm, I walked into my room and I saw the 2 belts and I held them in my hands and said to my girlfriend, "Do you recognize these belts? They are from 6 months ago you know when (S) was in town..." My girlfriend proceeds to grab one and throw it out of sight. I held the other and rolled it up and threw it in the closet as I started breaking down. At that moment, My girlfriend held me in her arms as I finally processed the SA event. A couple days later, I told my best friend and when I tell you they were livid I MEAN IT. They were trying to just be there for me as I cried a little while typing. I added them to a support group I made for myself before the bipolar diagnosis which was ironically 4 years ago.